officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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