Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
