i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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