What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times