Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick