you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
