I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
