My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
