i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
