@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
