Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
