the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm bleeding and have questions
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
