It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
