You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
