If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
