I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
