I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
