I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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