I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
