did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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