Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
