The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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