please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize