Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
