He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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