Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
