I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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