Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
