I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
