I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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