i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We are all done wearing pants today
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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