It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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