we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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