Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
