is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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