with your own penis?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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