i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
