apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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