Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
