that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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