Don't you send me to vm
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
