Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
