I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
