weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
