i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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