you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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