A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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