I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
