My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
