I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize