dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
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I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
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