If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I love having hate sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
