I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
