Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
