Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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